Dear Ms. Human Resources...

Dear Ms. Human Resources:

Upon further review of my consent for urine drug screening in anticipation of potential employment, I noticed that I may have mistakingly answered question 13-c incorrectly. As you are aware, question 13-c asks the applicant if he/she is taking any prescription or over-the counter medications on a regular basis, and if they are, to list those medications. I mistakingly answered "no," but in reality, the correct answer to this question is "yes."

I'm on at least 4 different psych meds. Depakote is a mood-stabilizer they are giving me because I go up-and-down and up-and-down due to bipolar disorder. Then there's Risperdal, which is an anti-psychotic for hearing voices and stuff. I have some unwanted thoughts. I'm on generic Prozac. I also take one milligram of Klonopin a night to help calm me down. Apparently, if I didn't take these meds, I'd be in trouble, and so would the Marble Slab Creamery. Risperdal helps me to not think in psychotic ways. Like ripping the lips off of a colleague when they do not shut the fuck up. I hope you guys are not upset with me. I'm not really going to kill anybody - you can go to hell for that, you know.... Last night, I had a "little" meltdown. I was watching The Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show from September 12, 1965, on a DVD, and I was looking at John Lennon, and I just lost it. I was yelling, "You mother-fucker - you lip-syncing mother fucker!!!" I mean, where the hell did THAT come from? So I looked up to him in heaven and said, "John, please forgive me; I don't know where those thoughts come from." John is NOT a mother-fucker, and I love him dearly and I love The Beatles dearly. So, I apologize to John. I'm on other psych meds as well. Clozaril is another anti-depressant. I take both 50 and 100 milligram pills of it. I'm also on Topamax. This anti-psych drug is for my mania. Once, I was in the rec-room with a bottle of multi-colored sand, and I sat down with a nail file and started separating the grains of sand by color. They added the Topamax when the nurse caught me with the sand, and I jabbed a pencil in her ear. I should have had neither the nail file nor the pencil.....

I'm also on Lipitor, for my cholesterol.

Psychiatry is only a 100 year old science, and we're just starting to understand the brain. Call me deluded, but I think that things are just a little too new. I'm quite sure that I have been misdiagnosed, and I've told my Psythiatrist this on numerous occasions, only to have Trilpetal and Manecdal (I think they are mood stabilizers) add to my drug regimen.

As you can plainly see, my missing this important item on your questionaire is an obvious and honest mistake.

Thank you for your consideration,

Captain Sharky