Out of Jail and in Serious Trouble....

Please help me; I'm totally out of control....

-Captain Sharky

Sharky has Fallen Off the Wagon.....

As many of you may have surmised by now, Sharky's sudden sobriety was doomed to only last for so long. This afternoon, Sharky's Press Agent released the following statement.

"After drinking alcohol and ingesting massive illegal chemical substances on Tuesday night, Captain Sharky did a number of things that were very wrong and for which he is deeply ashamed. Captain Sharky drove a car when he should not have, and was stopped by the County sheriffs. Inside the car, arresting officers found several transvestite midgets and blow up dolls, several kilos of assorted recreational drugs, bananas, hairbrushes, and a Silverback Ape from the local zoo. Captain Sharky has repeatedly stated that the arresting officer was "just doing his job," and he "feels fortunate that he was apprehended before he caused injury to another person, animal or vinyl doll." Captain Sharky stated while in the pokey, "I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my fellow employees at Hospital World with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled the disease of alcoholism and drug abuse for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."

At press time, Captain Sharky remains in the County Jail under $100,000 bond.

Rollin' in the Ghetto

Back to my ritualistic post-kill ritual. I'm back in the 'hood and my speakas' be thumpin'. Today I listen to Snoop Dogg.

*man pissing*Heah hah hah!Im serious nigga one of yall niggaz got this ass motherfuckin up
Aiy baby, aiy baby... aiy baby get some bubblegum in this motherfucker
Steady long, steady long nigga

Alright! Now any song that starts with "man pissing" can only get better. Its simply a sign of whats to come. Snoop nevers shoots his wad during the first couple of lines......

With so much drama in the l-b-c
Its kinda hard bein snoop d-o-double-g
But i, somehow, some way
Keep comin up with funky ass shit like every single day
May i, kick a little something for the gs (yeah)
And, make a few ends as (yeah!) I breeze, through
Two in the mornin and the partys still jumpin
Cause my momma aint home
I got bitches in the living room gettin it on
And, they aint leavin til six in the mornin (six in the mornin)
So what you wanna do, sheeeit
I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too
So turn off the lights and close the doors
But (but what) we dont love them hoes, yeah!
So we gonna smoke a ounce to this
Gs up, hoes down, while you motherfuckers bounce to this

Man, I TOLD you this shit was going to be kickin'. "G's up, Ho's Down..." - this man CLEARLY knows his target audience. He don't need no Rand Corporation or or Healthcare Concepts Company telling him who he is targeting. Even when he smokes an ounce, which is a considerable amount of dope, Snoop is still on his game, coming up with funky ass shit like every single day.

Even the gangstas that just rolled up on me at the traffic light be hoppin to these scandalous lines.

Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juiceLaid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]

You damned skippy! (English translation: You said it all!).

Now, that, I got me some seagrams gin
Everybody got they cups, but they aint chipped in
Now this types of shit, happens all the time
You got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine
Everything is fine when you listenin to the d-o-g
I got the cultivating music that be captivating he
Who listens, to the words that I speak
As I take me a drink to the middle of the street
And get to mackin to this bitch named sadie (sadie? )
She used to be the homeboys lady (oh, that bitch)
Eighty degrees, when I tell that bitch please
Raise up off these n-u-ts, cause you gets none of these
At ease, as I mob with the dogg pound, feel the breeze
Beeeitch, Im just

DAMN, Snoop be testifying up in here. I don't even understand the shit he be spittin' out, but I'm sure it has something to do with moochers and hookin' up with the local ho.

Rollin' down the street, smoking Indo, sippin' on gin and juice Laid Back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]

He do be speaking the truth. When I smoke Indo and sip on Gin and Juice, my mind is clearly on my money, and my money is therefore (by default, almost) on my mind.

Later on that day
My homey dr. dre came through with a gang of tanqueray
And a fat ass j, of some bubonic chronic that made me choke
Shit, this aint no jokeI had to back up off of it and sit my cup down
Tanqueray and chronic, yeah Im fucked up now
But it aint no stoppin, Im still poppin
Dre got some bitches from the city of compton
To serve me, not with a cherry on top
Cause when I bust my nut, Im raisin up off the cot
Dont get upset girl, thats just how it goes
I dont love you hoes, Im out the do'
And Ill be

As you may have clearly surmised by now, Dr. Dre is not my homey, nor has he ever brought pot or booze to my crib. And those baby mamas from Compton are just a tad bit too scary for the old Sharky. But the last part is classic Snoop - "I don't love you ho's, I'm out the do'". I love it......

Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice (beeotch!!)Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice (beeotch!!)Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind]

Yo, dawg, that be some straight up shit. Snoop always makes me feel empowered. When I summon up the strength to do something I'd rather not do (like ask for a raise, or something of the sort), I listen to Snoop to get my nerve up. Makes me feel better about cappin' somebody's ass as an added benefit.

I don't love you ho's, I'm out the do'.

- Captain Sharky

That fucking little green midget UnaCrapper is Still Alive!!

Sonofabitch! I just realized that I didn't actually kill that little slimy green bastard UnaCrapper. I went up into the ceiling crawlspace, and there was all these empty bottles of KY, Vodka bottles, and a film projector with the following film running. I must have just missed his little punk-ass, or he heard me coming.



Alright, you little bastard, WATCH YOUR BACK!!!!!!!

-Captain Sharky

Sharky analyzes the Miss Teen USA South Carolina Answer.....

OK, I admit it. I'm not out chasing Non-Complying employees today. I'm in full analysis mode of the Miss Teen USA South Carolina answer to the question, "Why cant a fifth of Americans find the United States on a map?"

Now, I'm not an educated man, but I think I've gotten to the bottom of this debacle. Let me break her answer down for you bit by bit.

"I personally believe that US Americans..."

Not "us" Americans, not "we" Americans, but US Americans. This clearly shows Miss South Carolina's depth of knowledge, for she understands the complex nature of the "haves" versus the "have-nots" in this country. See, to live in the U.S. is free, but to be an U.S. American, you have to pay your taxes to support the welfare crack addicts, vote for men who proposition other men in public bathrooms, and wear hats and t-shirts with American flags on. She gets it...

"... are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps..."

This inherently is a true statement, and deserves little discussion and analysis. However, after rummaging through the trash in Miss South Carolina's Hotel room this past week, I found this, which might explain her statement:

"...and I believe that our education like such as south Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such...."

Our education is clearly like such as South Africa and the Iraq.

"...as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US..."

Honey, we probably would, if we could get our own shit together...

"...or should help south Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future."

We have our finest working on this as we speak.

So in closing, it is clear that this has been a big misunderstanding. The real culprit here is the introduction of Ebonics into Southern Schools back in the 90's.

-Captain Sharky

Jane and Buckethead - PLEASE HELP!!

We have a real problem here. I've been trying to meet with you guys, but you are always in meetings behind closed doors and all I hear is the sound of crunching cheetos. I know that you guys are cheating on the new Federal Compliance Bill already, but thats another problem to face another day. For now, I have a serious problem in front of the Hospital. It seems that our employee, Estella Guadalajara Santa Maria Sanchez-Fuentes Washington is now taking her complaint against Jane public. She has been wandering around the public entrances sitting in her wheelchair and holding various signs that outline her problems with Jane's extracurricular activities. I advised Ms. Santa Maria Sanchez-Fuentes Washington that she could not do this on private property, and she moved to the street outside the Hospital premises.



I thought she might tire of it and move on, but she's been out there every day for almost 2 weeks now, drinking Fantas and leaving taco wrappers in the street. The employees are starting to rally around her cause, as many of them are noticing shoes and medication missing from their own homes.

Here's my problem. I'm having a real ethical problem throwing a death card at a disabled person. The death card itself isnt the problem - I cant seem to throw it AND meet current ADA guidelines in throwing it. And to top it all off, I keep tripping over that damned hoop when I'm sneaking up behind her, and it gives me away.

I am formally requesting the following:
1. A variance on hoop-jumping to get the job done; and
2. A consultant to help us best accomplish my death card throwing AND meet Federal ADA guidelines. I'm thinking that maybe if I throw the death card from a wheelchair that I myself am sitting in, it might meet the standard, but I don't want to whack my own legs just to find out that I'm still due a big fine from the feds.

Please help!

-Captain Sharky

My weekend, summed up (thus far)

I can't help myself. I wonder if the Hospital has an Employee Assistance Plan for stoners like me?