Jane and Buckethead - PLEASE HELP!!

We have a real problem here. I've been trying to meet with you guys, but you are always in meetings behind closed doors and all I hear is the sound of crunching cheetos. I know that you guys are cheating on the new Federal Compliance Bill already, but thats another problem to face another day. For now, I have a serious problem in front of the Hospital. It seems that our employee, Estella Guadalajara Santa Maria Sanchez-Fuentes Washington is now taking her complaint against Jane public. She has been wandering around the public entrances sitting in her wheelchair and holding various signs that outline her problems with Jane's extracurricular activities. I advised Ms. Santa Maria Sanchez-Fuentes Washington that she could not do this on private property, and she moved to the street outside the Hospital premises.



I thought she might tire of it and move on, but she's been out there every day for almost 2 weeks now, drinking Fantas and leaving taco wrappers in the street. The employees are starting to rally around her cause, as many of them are noticing shoes and medication missing from their own homes.

Here's my problem. I'm having a real ethical problem throwing a death card at a disabled person. The death card itself isnt the problem - I cant seem to throw it AND meet current ADA guidelines in throwing it. And to top it all off, I keep tripping over that damned hoop when I'm sneaking up behind her, and it gives me away.

I am formally requesting the following:
1. A variance on hoop-jumping to get the job done; and
2. A consultant to help us best accomplish my death card throwing AND meet Federal ADA guidelines. I'm thinking that maybe if I throw the death card from a wheelchair that I myself am sitting in, it might meet the standard, but I don't want to whack my own legs just to find out that I'm still due a big fine from the feds.

Please help!

-Captain Sharky