My Life - One Big Anticlimax.....

OK, so here's the deal. I've finally been offered a job by this Hospital - something called Compliance and Risk. I don't get it - maybe it's that I finally dried out, but this whole job thing is kinda scary. This is apparently some sort of Executive Position (or so I'm told), and it suddenly hit me that I know exactly "nothing" about Management. So I go to the bookstore and purchase the "Management for Dummies" and as I'm checkin out, the clerk asks me if I've read the newest bestseller entitled "Gung-Ho My Ass."

"Fuck it - I'll take it," I tell the clerk.

She tells me that it's a parody about management.

"Thats scandalous, dawg." I say, trying my best to act hip.

So I take it home and read it. She was right - the "Management for Dummies" book went right out the window. Here's the Cliffs Notes version of "Gung-Ho My Ass."

The Ten Rules of Management.

1. You as the Manager are always right, even when you are stupid.
2. The physical laws of time and space were meant to be broken – put unattainable goals on your subordinates backs, and watch them lose their families over it. Not THAT’S some funny shit.
3. Any problem that faces you as a Manager has nothing to do with a lack of resources – it has to do with a lack of meetings, conference calls, and action plans.
4. When in doubt, ask for status reports.
5. If you’re talking, you are communicating.
6. Low morale is caused by character flaws in your employees.
7. If ten people can complete the project in 10 days, then one person can complete the project in one day.
8. Teamwork is when others do your work for you, and you take all of the credit.
9. Employee illness and injury is a manifestation of laziness.
10. Abuse is a form of recognition. And recognition is what every employee wants.

I intend to use at least 3 of these important tenets on my first week on the job, which incidentally is next week.

Up with People!
-Captain Sharky