I have several solid suspects, all of whom are stone cold street thugs and gangstas, so I'm going to have to be careful befo' the caps start poppin'. My plan is to shank his ass before he knows what hit him, but I must be certain that my target is the desk shitter. I feel like I should give this individual a sly criminal nickname, but since he or she has only shit on a desk one time, the only nickname I could come up with was the "Uno" Crapper. On second thought, thats a pretty bone-headed nickname.....
Back to my suspects. They are as follows:
Suspect #1. I set my computer's video camera to pick up movement and snap a photo, in case my target started rummaging through my things to see where I was in this investigation.
I'm not sure who this is or how he got into my office, but if you see a hairless rodent with Harry Potter glasses and wearing lots of bling-bling, please contact my office immediately.
Suspect #2 is Lola Poindexter. Lola is a sneaky one alright, but I'm currently of the opinion that she is being framed. It is certainly wierd, though. Lola is certainly NOT a movie buff, and yet while rummaging through her office (BTW - Buckethead, I hope you are reading this, although I'm not one to snitch: Lola has a STACK of patient accounts she hasn't billed since last year..), I found a note pad, upon which was written at least 100 times, "I fucking hate Charlene." In addition, I found this freshly hung poster on Lola's cubicle wall:
This is certainly no smoking gun (or smoking ass in this case), but its sort of ironic, don't you think?
Suspect #3 is Lumpy the Circus Elephant. After a careful examination of the said fecal matter which was so hastily deposited onto one Charlene's desk, I found that Lumpy's fecal matter is of the same consistency, texture and smell as the heretofore noted booty deposit. This is an older photo of Lumpy, but if you see anyone matching this photo, please notify me:
Now for those of you who are not trained to read or write in ching-chang, I will translate: "Ah, so.... Ah, rather laarge, ah, erefrant ah takie a poop ah. Oh, no, you too boo-koo. You #1 G.I. Me love you long time....."
Suspect #4. I found this little fucker crawling around in the ceiling the other night. I detained his slimy little green ass and after snapping this photo, the little bastard got away through a ventilation duct.
This dude gives me the fucking creeps. It looks like he's moving around in the ceiling quite a bit, and I found several (more than 20) empty Mickey Big Mouth Malt Liquor bottles, several empty bags of Cheetos, and an empty package of ex-lax in the ceiling area right above Charlene's desk. This dude clearly had Cheeto breath when I grabbed him. I'm fairly certain that this may be my guy, and if he is, I'm going to lay a serious Compliance Death Card on his ass.
Over and out,
Captain Sharky
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