I now know that it was your sorry ass who crapped on both Charlene desk and my own desk. You thought you were slick, sitting up there in the ceiling crawlspace, eating stolen Cheetos and drinking cheap malt liquor and touching yourself. I almost had your punk ass the other day, but you caught me at a weak moment and got away. And to shove it in my face, you broke into the CEO's and CFO's office, and stole their bonus Cheetos that they were supposed to distribute out to staff but kept for themselves. But I punk'd yo' sorry ass. Thats right, I dilly-dally diseased yo' ass by poisoning the Cheetos you stole. And I know you ate the shit too, because I've been tracking you through the Hospital crawl spaces. You're feeling weak now, arent you? The constant cramping has kept you retching and shitting almost non-stop. Your insides are turning to mush as you read this, you nasty-ass little green midget. Your eyesight is getting fuzzy and you are hearing things. Blood is trickling out of your orifices, and you have jock itch. That botulism is some pretty nasty stuff, and unfortunately for you, this particular strain is not curable. So wherever you are in the deep recesses of the Hospital, will be your final resting place.
You must be wondering how I figured it all out, since the Hospital doesn't have the technology to perform DNA testing on poo. Well, the answer was simple. I needed an extremely powerful source of energy to create a reverse magnetic phosphodiesterase, so I pulled the dilethium crystals from Belinda Biatchs's vibrator, used the acid diethylamide from the remaining blotter acid that Luther Cobblebritches and I consumed last weekend, and after ingesting this nearly toxic substance, used a simple magnifying glass to determine that the corn in the poo sample you left on my desk was of the same consistency you left in the sample you left on Charlene's desk, and the same that you left in the crawlspaces within the Hospital.
I'd like to close by laughing uncontrollably like they do on the James Bond Movies or like they did in Wayne's World (Uh-wah-ha-ha-ha), but it doesnt sound quite as good on paper.
-Captain Sharky
No comments:
Post a Comment